Tag Archives: anxiety

My Rabbit Hole

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Here is a quiet, college student who self identified as hyper yet introverted, keeps to his room and finds interacting with people extremely uncomfortable and ‘prickly’. What emerged was an intelligent, highly intuitive chap curious about the human condition and now ready to engage with the world.

This information came through after about 30 minutes of exploration: It’s about not being heard, not being able to express myself, talking to someone but not saying what you actually want to say. Knowing that it will be heard but also not being heard nor understood. Feel barricades all around me.

It’s very dark inside my heart and there is a bright light. Everything’s made of crystals and also some jelly. A pinkish red hue and lots of light going through it, reflections going everywhere, kinda awe inspiring. More crystals than there are dark area. The ones that are there are white, not quite opaque and not quite clear either.

Drifting away from that crystal jelly space. Into a dark space. Feels heavy.  It’s a space I go to when I don’t want to let anybody in. It’s heavy and stuffy. I created this when I was young. I can’t go back to the place of the crystals but I can sit next to it.

The gut feels very dark. There are actually many colors underneath that dark. It isn’t so much the space but the reflections from the dark. It is now getting more luminous with the crystal I brought. I don’t want to let go of the dark. Then I won’t have somewhere to go. It’s like my rabbit hole. There are a few dark spots and they all join together to become a bigger space.

This tension in my upper chest, like being submerged in water. It feels very dark in here. It feels like part of my limbs is still attached to this place. There’s a ball in my chest that seems to want to reach out to grab things. It’s a thing with vines covered with spikes and it is looking at me. It keeps growing spikes and things, covering everything. It has a malicious side to it. It is not happy that I can see it now.

Can we send it buckets full of love?

It’s not looking at me anymore. Its eyes are closed. It is quite bright and colorful now. Like flowers all over it. It reminds me of things that I’ve held onto for a while until now. It’s pulling stuff out. It is now spiralling around pulling out negative feelings. I feel like I haven’t cared for anyone for a while. It’s waking up now and it feels happier, more permanent and more resilient. It is now spreading to my heart, the rest of my body. It feels warming.

Afterwards: I feel more here now. When I was here earlier I felt like I was more in my head. Now it’s like I am here in here (indicating the heart)

Being Different is not a Deficit

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This is a transcript from dreamer who had been experiencing anxiety and depression for about two years. Sometimes during a dream session, another voice appears, distinctly different as if someone else were speaking, and referring the dreamer in the third person. We call this ‘channelling’ and the dreamer may or may not be aware of it. I will always ensure that the dreamer feels safe about what is happening. Here’s the dream:

There’s anxiety like heat where my heart is, a burning sensation. Now a warm sensation. (She starts to cry, and her voice changes to a soft, soothing tone.)  It’s very tired, eyes are very tired. Is sick of being tired. Is sick of being who she is. Doesn’t like herself. Cannot accept her personality. That’s what’s causing her tiredness and her sadness. A lot of grief in her. She has to recognize who she is. She’s here to bring light. She’s here to be the light. Light up the path for others. To awaken others to their divine selves.

There are lessons that she needs to learn before she can start the work. She keeps forgetting her true self. She allows her thoughts to wreak havoc within her. Her heart is fearful. That’s the reason she feels so alone. She needs to see that she is more powerful than the fear inside of her. This is a challenge. She is stuck because she does not realize the fear that lies within her. That is also the reason for her recent binges. Addiction to sweets and food that is not beneficial to her.

It is her fear of power that leads her to make those choices. She is afraid that being in her power will cause her to go insane. Losing control. Whenever she is pure in her intentions and when she is fully in her heart she is pure light. The fear that bubbled within has caused much stress. She has not carefully looked at it and instead allowed it to move into her heart space causing much anxiety and tears. It’s the fear that keeps her from feeling joy.

This pain she feels comes from the highest standards that she placed on herself. She magnifies all that she perceives as her imperfections and she allows herself to get upset over them. The key for her to move into her power is self acceptance. To appreciate her own uniqueness and to honor her differences. She is different from other people and she need not treat it like a deficit. It’s this difference that will help her to bring light to others. This is something she must learn to value and not condemn.

She is often in conflict because she compares herself to others. She sees other people doing things and she gets worried because she feels she can’t do the same. She can do anything that she sets out to do. She keeps reinforcing this perception of herself as a social imbecile. There are many things which she worries about not being able to do, like being able to carry on a conversation or being able to make people laugh.  Once she embraces herself this will all come very naturally to her. She just needs to relax to being herself. That’s how she will be able to relate to others who have gone through the same pain of not accepting themselves. It’s only when she finally embraces herself that she will be able to help others.

Nothing Is Ever Impossible

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There is someone on the left. Jesus. He says I know you are not a Christian. And it’s okay.  He is asking me: Do you know that you are not the sad person you think you are? Do you know that you are actually more than that? Why are you limiting yourself? Open up!

He put his palm on my forehead. And another hand on my stomach. He said I removed all your false beliefs. Removed every bit of it. Now create beliefs that are positive. Have a positive mind. He said he’ll pinch me if I forget. Ouch! on my arm.

How can he teach me? He said that he will make me knock into something if I forget. When I see bruises I will remember. He’s pinching me on the left side of my arm. So if I see bruises there I will know. And to remember to create positive beliefs. He said that it’s all beliefs that you have been playing with. You have just been playing with negative beliefs. Okay he says that he doesn’t want to scold me too much. Just get rid of the false beliefs. Create positive beliefs like I am worth it. And that I can do it. Nothing is ever impossible.

Buddha is here. He’s a bit serious. Compared to Jesus. Much more serious. He’s asking me to be lighter, not to dim my light. Don’t shut it down again. He’s putting his hands on my forehead now. I say thanks to them and they say call if you need me. They are now gone. Both of them.

Oh there is Quan Yin. She’s smiling. She’s giving blessings now. The water blessing. To both of us. She said I accept your apologies. I apologized to her yesterday. She said it is not your fault. Because I am so young she accepts it.

Sitting alone in the darkness. I am not afraid. But I’m feeling a bit insecure, hugging myself. Grandfather is here. He said whenever I feel afraid just call him. I’ll protect you. Nothing to be afraid of. He patted my head, giving me some power. From my head. Green yellow blue. He promised he would really protect me even when I can’t see him. I feel very relaxed, fresh and peaceful. And excited. And asked me not to forget him. Remember me now. I am feeling really happy.

Grandfather

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There’s a table with an oyster and a pearl. It says will remove all my scars. Says pay attention to your heart. Taking care of the others is not taking care of yourself. I eat the pearl, swallowing it down. It’s shining inside me. My whole body is emitting light. Another black pearl there. It just appeared. Eat it. Why are they asking me to eat so many pearls? Eat it. The pearl is floating and talking to me. Feels like it is challenging me. Grab. It’s shiny, it is black and it is shining, like a very bright light. I eat it. It removes a layer around my heart. Seems to be enveloping my heart. Now my heart is shining very brightly. The shell of the oyster closes.

Asked whether I want to go somewhere else. It is very playful. I am still in doubt. It says that I’m such a boring person. I asked if my skin will recover. She said oh yes you silly. She says to meditate. I don’t like meditation. She asked me to sing. Happy songs, nursery rhymes. Okay that’s easy.  My skin condition. They said I am curious. Experimenting on myself. They say I have no idea how powerful my mind is. To use my mind wisely I can get great things done. I have leadership qualities but I don’t like to use it. You tend to lose a lot of friends.

The wind blows and we are off to another place. Camels, trees.

He says he’s my grandfather but I told him I’ve never met him. He says that I don’t have to meet him in order for him to be my grandfather. I’m asking him “are you sure that I can recover?” He says to trust myself. That I am afraid.

He’s using a hammer on my head. It is not painful. He’s trying to fix something. My stomach, screws. My eyes he’s painting. He’s also painting my body.  Brushes look white. He’s painting open my eyes. Strokes after strokes. Just area of my eye below the skin. I could feel myself floating. It’s done.

The head. Opening up. He’s looking into it. Removing stuff from my head. He taking it out and throwing it away. Rubbish. He takes, he looked and then he threw. Once he threw on the floor it is gone. All rubbish. Even threw away my brain. Taking out some juice from the brain. Green, something oily. The brain now kind of gets fatter. Back into my head. I asked whether is it done. He said yes, please don’t dirty it again.

Maybe I should change a new heart for you. It’s not pumping correctly. It is very still. An old lady’s heart. He tossed it away and there’s a new one in his hand. And he just put it in. My stomach is messy.  I can see that it is a nasty green. He’s grumbling, so many things to do for you. He’s fixed it. He’s tired. Is falling asleep by the side.

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While grandfather was asleep, I asked if there was anyone else who could offer help. I was completely taken aback by what happened next... Read about it in: Nothing Is Ever Impossible

Love is …..

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This young lady was feeling anxious about life in general and relationships in particular. Sometimes during these dream sessions, the dreamer refers to herself in the third person. That’s when we know another part of her is present to offer insights otherwise not available to the conscious mind.

I feel like I’m radiating love and joy. Everyone has that part in us, as a child radiating light and love and joy, childlike innocence, little girl sense of joy and wonder within us. The little girl wants to make sure the world is safe before she comes out of the cave to play..

What’s making her feel it’s unsafe?

She cannot handle the world by herself, she is powerless and lost. She feels that she cannot do it.

There must have been experiences that gave her those kind of feelings. Let’s check.

There are times when she tries to speak out, to give herself a voice but it usually ends up that she is wrong or she gets shot down. She stays inside because she does not know how to deal with the world.

Her gut feels blocked. A lot of mushy stuff. The junk is all the beliefs that override my gut feeling. The beliefs that tell me my gut is wrong, that I shouldn’t trust my gut. I feel that I allow others to dump their shit on me.

Let’s have a talk with that part of you that allowed it.

Part of me feels that I’m responsible for everything, my heart that’s filled with compassion for people. I thought that by opening myself up and letting them dump their stuff, I’m helping alleviate their pain. 

Ask that compassionate part of you to show what you can do.

My presence, just holding a strong presence when with them. To do that I’ll have to step out of my shell, not hiding. Not stepping out, I cannot be present.

When I step out to the world it doesn’t seem as dark as I thought it is. It is also quite bright and there are those who are like me and those on the journey. They’re all cheering for me and welcoming me to join them. They’re all on the same purpose. It feels safe, peaceful and calm knowing that someone has my back.

The cave is like the lost little girl wanting to come out and play but is fearful. I have to continue to work and trust myself, and to trust my intuition and my gut. I’ve got to talk to people, knowing that they are there on the path, the same journey as me, instead of trying to do everything myself and sitting there alone.  And to receive love from people.

I am comfortable giving love but I block myself from receiving love. I feel that it comes with responsibilities. I think that love is a heavy burden because there is a lot of expectations. That I need to pay a heavy price for love, for accepting it.

How so?

That belief came from from my parents. To get to their love I have to do things a certain way. It’s tiring. I’d rather not have that love. I’ve not experienced a love that I did not have to pay a price for. 

Let’s go experience that Source of love, that you can have as much as you want, and there’s no payment required. Go to that space and feel it.

Feels good just bathing in unconditional love. Yes, we don’t owe anyone anything. If people want to give love, it is up to them. But I do not feel obliged to have to pay or repay them. The best thing I can do is to accept that love and open my heart to it.