My Rabbit Hole

green leaves
Photo by Johannes Rapprich on

Here is a quiet, college student who self identified as hyper yet introverted, keeps to his room and finds interacting with people extremely uncomfortable and ‘prickly’. What emerged was an intelligent, highly intuitive chap curious about the human condition and now ready to engage with the world.

This information came through after about 30 minutes of exploration: It’s about not being heard, not being able to express myself, talking to someone but not saying what you actually want to say. Knowing that it will be heard but also not being heard nor understood. Feel barricades all around me.

It’s very dark inside my heart and there is a bright light. Everything’s made of crystals and also some jelly. A pinkish red hue and lots of light going through it, reflections going everywhere, kinda awe inspiring. More crystals than there are dark area. The ones that are there are white, not quite opaque and not quite clear either.

Drifting away from that crystal jelly space. Into a dark space. Feels heavy.  It’s a space I go to when I don’t want to let anybody in. It’s heavy and stuffy. I created this when I was young. I can’t go back to the place of the crystals but I can sit next to it.

The gut feels very dark. There are actually many colors underneath that dark. It isn’t so much the space but the reflections from the dark. It is now getting more luminous with the crystal I brought. I don’t want to let go of the dark. Then I won’t have somewhere to go. It’s like my rabbit hole. There are a few dark spots and they all join together to become a bigger space.

This tension in my upper chest, like being submerged in water. It feels very dark in here. It feels like part of my limbs is still attached to this place. There’s a ball in my chest that seems to want to reach out to grab things. It’s a thing with vines covered with spikes and it is looking at me. It keeps growing spikes and things, covering everything. It has a malicious side to it. It is not happy that I can see it now.

Can we send it buckets full of love?

It’s not looking at me anymore. Its eyes are closed. It is quite bright and colorful now. Like flowers all over it. It reminds me of things that I’ve held onto for a while until now. It’s pulling stuff out. It is now spiralling around pulling out negative feelings. I feel like I haven’t cared for anyone for a while. It’s waking up now and it feels happier, more permanent and more resilient. It is now spreading to my heart, the rest of my body. It feels warming.

Afterwards: I feel more here now. When I was here earlier I felt like I was more in my head. Now it’s like I am here in here (indicating the heart)